Coming to close to closing off 2014 and heading into 2015

This blog is the best and worst thin i have probably come up with.  I come back every few years or so to it just an update when i remember i have this self report card of misery for myself.   I do have to say though I'm not as emotionally troubled as i was in my previous posts.

Where to start......I am happy for the most part (whoever is 100% kudos to you).  I still like to be that emotionally dramatic whooo is me individual from time to time. I have a really great career I'm happy with, working on my degree albeit at a snails pace but definitely better than none at all.  I'm not rich have a couple hundred to my name but I'm living if you can call it that.  I've learned a lot these last few years to say I don't have it all but I have whats important to me in my life.  I'm still looking for that perfect man whether he comes or not in my life well i have a full life I can say that with absolute positivity.

For not that's a good place to be.

keeping it real xoxoxo

Week 2

So I'm happy to report that I have had a pretty good week all things considered. I have been following this self made program I made for myself to get into shape and start being normal again :P

Wow.......It has been so long!

Omg, I know it's been almost a year since I last wrote, what can I say its been a battle. I've decided to try this out again, this time I'm actually keeping a tracker with me as well. Just reading back on what I wrote previously, I hate to admit I'm still in the same sinking boat. It's true what people say, I am my own worst enemy.

Well lets see How I do this time............wish me luck!

I really need to vent some pent up frustrations and failures today, I feel as though I'm drowning in my own ocean of misery, I can't breathe, I can't sleep and I've become emotionally stunted.

I NEED CLARITY.

What is important to ME in life at this point????????????????????

I want to be successful, I want to live my dreams, I want to learn to love and appreciate my friends and family again. I want my happiness back. I want to be loved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am 28 years old, I weigh 210 Lbs, I've manage to lose 8 Lbs in 3 years (that's depressing) I'm beyond the lowest point of my life, I'm scraping the barrel in a land of shit and disease.

How Did I get here?

Gee, I wonder you lazy ambition-less idiot. I TOOK the EASY ROAD AND DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE OR WHAT I COULD DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did I ever let things get this far?????????????

What am I going to do about it????

Why do I feel everyday is a struggle for me???????
Why does something as waking up feel so difficult to do, why do I want to sleep all day long and stay up all night long doing absolutely nothing? I'm wasting time, my life and energy that I have left. Why is it so hard to live? Why am I like this?
Why the melodrama? Why do I make bad decisions? My family is semi-normal but their still happy for the most part! I'm disapointed in myself and I know my family is too. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, ENOUGH ALL THIS SELF PITY FOR MYSELF IS MAKING ME CHOKE ON MY OWN BILE.....I SO NEED TO GET ON WITH AND GET OVER MYSELF.

REMINDER: IT HAPPENED , NOW MOVE THE BLOODY HELL ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. I want to love my family and friends.
2. Heal the gaps or try!!!
3. What Do I want out of life???
4. GET SOME ORDER AND ROUTINE BACK IN MY LIFE, STARTING RIGHT, RIGHT NOW

List of What I want most: (in no particular order)


LOSE THE GOD DAMN WEIGHT
Re-establish my credit
quit smoking
to get my last HS credit
Get my degree started and done with!
Get my MBA
Get a respectable job that I can be proud of and pays well.
STABILITY
I need to stop lying and covering my bull shit! (I'm to shamed to say what it is?? Need courage) (Lord it's so easy to tell a lie, but to own up to it, that takes balls of steel)
Gain my self confidence back
To be happy
Get married and settle down
regain my financial stability
Stop feeling so defeated

MOST IMPORTANTLY I want to find myself again. Be that bubbly, happy go lucky individual I was..

Where i am!

So today is August 27th and here I am sitting in the dark wondering how far I've gotten since I blogged....lol...so sad isn't I lasted 2 blogs. What can I say? I seriously suck. Hmmmmmm good news I've managed to drop 5 pounds and keep it off so a baby step nontheless. Career wise I'm still stuck in a rut and know that the recession has been a major bitch on PMS (you figure what I said out). But I have found my faith again am am not going to give. Its hard most days especially when I wake up with chill considering my current financial perdiciment. But whats life without pain and sufferring....I know a pleasure to live, thats what. I'm at a lost, I did actually start my little path of change quite well and than all of a sudden i hit an all time low. I have so much I want to do and you would think with the time on my hands recently i would get it done, my problem i don't know where to start...(tips would b a great help). Good newss is that in the last 2 months I have read close to a 100 books,I swear I'm not even lying....yet the best part is none of them and i mean none of them were course related to my program....Damn. I just can't stop myself. I finally did one thing i'm proud of, I dumped my no goo cheating bastard of a fiance and moving on.......tell next time i need to mellow out!

Day 1

So as you all know I'm attempting to get into better shape and lead a more happier life by making a plan for myself. My plan consists of a meal plan that I come up with every night before I go to bed, What workouts to do based on what I have in my home, I have no need to purchase anything else since I pretty much have what I need, and if that doesn't work than hit the great outdoors. Ah you can smell spring coming. So today is day 1 i woke up around 1 pm today, still haven't ate anything, I'm gonna have a smoke with a glass of juice. than grill some chicken and report back later. Right now I'm too damn foggy to function.

Self Truths

This is intended for people like me who want to take on the responsibility of changing how they look without the heavy fees that come with getting a personal trainer, gym membership or even a weight loss procedure. Trust me I have tried many methods and many unorthodox. The biggest breaker in my juvenile mindset was that I am no longer a teenager who could whip myself into shape at any time, reason being my body and habits are no longer that way. I would let myself get so depressed about my self gaining the extra, extra weight that it started to feel like that I was relishing in the misery I was bringing upon myself. Its now at the age of 27 were to be honest my life is starting look a lot more bleak to me that I am making myself take a long and hard look at myself.

Let me talk a bit about myself first so I can reminisce and as well see the difference for where I'm at the moment in life.

So Like I mentioned earlier I'm currently 27, turned in December, been fat for 5 years now. I can finally admit it. When I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I gotta say life was pretty good. I took it a day at a time, I made many mistakes but hell who didn't I'm only human right! I was really popular (I know I'm gonna sound like a conceited ass, but this is my take on my life...so too bad) I had alot of guys trying to date me and I really enjoyed the attention. I had so many friends that it was hard to keep count. I loved to go party and have a good time. I thought of how much fun socially my life was. It was always about the next fun thing to do. Looking back I realized now that any goals and ambitions I had went right out the door once I started this party lifestyle. When I hit my twenties I started to feel that I had seriously fucked up in my youth and that I couldn't focus on what I wanted to do in my life, I know I felt like I had given many times over and what would be the point...lets fast track to today. I managed to have a successful career in Banking up until the summer of 2008, went back to school to get my degree and had this amazing plan to start building my future. What changed, well lets see I go on a vacation which turned out to be a nightmare, spent most of my time at the resort being miserable about everything which in turn enabled me to eat without consequences. I come back and the next thing I know I'm finding a hard time getting a job and oh yeah my expenses went out of control and the next thing I know is that I'm drowning in debt, working a job that has little to no value in my life and the pay really sucks and I'm making probably half of what I was making before and I'm eating a lot. Did I mention that I also had a weight loss procedure done in March of '08 and me being me of course the biggest and hapless loser to grace this earth turned out to be the anomaly that the procedure didn't really work well on. But what I gained from it is that I can't eat food without a jug of water to help me swallow it all down, if not I start choking and feel as though I'm going to black out if I can't get the food that is stuck in my throat to go down. Yep, see I have a really freaking wonderful life.

So Why am I sitting here writing all this out, its simple..... I WANT TO CHANGE, I CAN CHANGE, I NEED TO CHANGE. I don't want to be a bitter, miserable person anymore, I don't want to known as a self indulgent bully in my family. I want to be me, I want to bring out the best of me, i want to be a happier and healthier me! I guess I can say this is my Obama Campaign, except i'm fighiting to win my life back!