Omg, I know it's been almost a year since I last wrote, what can I say its been a battle. I've decided to try this out again, this time I'm actually keeping a tracker with me as well. Just reading back on what I wrote previously, I hate to admit I'm still in the same sinking boat. It's true what people say, I am my own worst enemy.
Well lets see How I do this time............wish me luck!
I really need to vent some pent up frustrations and failures today, I feel as though I'm drowning in my own ocean of misery, I can't breathe, I can't sleep and I've become emotionally stunted.
I NEED CLARITY.
What is important to ME in life at this point????????????????????
I want to be successful, I want to live my dreams, I want to learn to love and appreciate my friends and family again. I want my happiness back. I want to be loved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am 28 years old, I weigh 210 Lbs, I've manage to lose 8 Lbs in 3 years (that's depressing) I'm beyond the lowest point of my life, I'm scraping the barrel in a land of shit and disease.
How Did I get here?
Gee, I wonder you lazy ambition-less idiot. I TOOK the EASY ROAD AND DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE OR WHAT I COULD DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did I ever let things get this far?????????????
What am I going to do about it????
Why do I feel everyday is a struggle for me???????
Why does something as waking up feel so difficult to do, why do I want to sleep all day long and stay up all night long doing absolutely nothing? I'm wasting time, my life and energy that I have left. Why is it so hard to live? Why am I like this?
Why the melodrama? Why do I make bad decisions? My family is semi-normal but their still happy for the most part! I'm disapointed in myself and I know my family is too. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, ENOUGH ALL THIS SELF PITY FOR MYSELF IS MAKING ME CHOKE ON MY OWN BILE.....I SO NEED TO GET ON WITH AND GET OVER MYSELF.
REMINDER: IT HAPPENED , NOW MOVE THE BLOODY HELL ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. I want to love my family and friends.
2. Heal the gaps or try!!!
3. What Do I want out of life???
4. GET SOME ORDER AND ROUTINE BACK IN MY LIFE, STARTING RIGHT, RIGHT NOW
List of What I want most: (in no particular order)
LOSE THE GOD DAMN WEIGHT
Re-establish my credit
quit smoking
to get my last HS credit
Get my degree started and done with!
Get my MBA
Get a respectable job that I can be proud of and pays well.
STABILITY
I need to stop lying and covering my bull shit! (I'm to shamed to say what it is?? Need courage) (Lord it's so easy to tell a lie, but to own up to it, that takes balls of steel)
Gain my self confidence back
To be happy
Get married and settle down
regain my financial stability
Stop feeling so defeated
MOST IMPORTANTLY I want to find myself again. Be that bubbly, happy go lucky individual I was..
